It’s only a problem if you make it one.

What if it’s not a problem?  YOU are the only one that makes things a problem for you.  The only real problems are thought problems.  Here’s the good news thoughts are optional.  There are circumstances and thoughts. 

Circumstances are the facts of the story.  the things that could be proven in a court of law or that EVERYONE in the world would agree on. 

Thoughts are everything else.  ALL your thinking about it. Our thoughts are what create problems for us.

Most of the the stories we have are thoughts.  There are usually very few circumstances. It’s also just a that a story you are telling yourself.

Why am I telling you this?
If you are aware that what is causing you to feel the “negative” emotion is only your thinking then you have the power to change it, IF YOU WANT TO? It’s not anyone or anything that is causing you to feel the way you are. When you achieve any goal that will not make you feel excited it’ll be your thought about that goal and achieving it. Circumstances are neutral.

Here’s an example and some tools to help.

My son likes to come in my room at 10:00, sometimes after he’s gone to bed, and chat.  I was thinking: go to bed, this is too late, you need sleep, I want to go to bed, blah, blah, blah. 

This was a problem for me because I’d wake up feeling regret and mad at me for not being as kind as I’d like to.  It was a problem because I was tired of thinking and feeling the way I was. 

Wrote all my thoughts about this, and separated the circumstances from the thoughts.  The C’s were it’s 10:00 pm, I have a son, he’s 12.  I could even put down that he is saying “words”.  EVERYTHING else was my thinking about it.  When I put it into a model here’s what it’d look like:

Circumstance- 10:00 pm child in my room
Though- Go to bed it’s late
Feeling- annoyed
Action- tell him to leave, don’t listen very intently, keep doing what I’m doing, my words are more stern. 
Result- I need to go to bed and get away from me and all my negative thinking.

The result is always YOUR result and in some way connects to the thought. 

I NOTICED this wasn’t a problem for my husband.  I asked him about it and asked why it wasn’t a problem for him?

Here were some of his thoughts:
-some kids don’t even want to be around their parents
-I want him to want to be with us
-this is a time for him to talk
-some kids stay in their rooms and have ear buds in all the time
-some just want to watch TV, and play video games,
-I like him here.

ALL these thoughts produce a very different feeling.  Definitely not annoyed or frustrated. 

Thankfully for me this was a pretty easy shift.  I don’t go to these thoughts every night, but I am a lot more kind when I think any of those and I like the way I show up better AND I don’t wake up feeling regret or guilt (that’s called layering emotion I’ll talk about another time).  On nights where I really do want him to go to bed then I ask myself what’s wrong with feeling annoyed?  Can I be frustrated/annoyed and still be nice? I am showing up like the kind of mom I want to be. That’s all I have control over is ME. I can’t control anyone else’s thoughts or emotions.

If you find that you are having a problem with something here are a few secrets to help.
1. Ask why is this a problem? What kind of mom, wife, sister do I want to be? What would it be like if this wasn’t a problem? How can I feel better and not change the circumstance?
2. Write down all your thoughts about this “problem” and see what are circumstances and what are thoughts. When you are writing don’t judge or edit your thoughts.
2.  Ask someone who it’s not a problem for what they are thinking and feeling?
3.  Allow the emotion. When you allow whatever emotion you are feeling it’ll cycle through your body and go away quicker. You don’t need to do anything else to get away from it.

If you apply this it’ll help those struggling relationships. If you want help applying this click here for a free coaching session.

Have a great week,

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